WalletPop

Prizes for attending church?

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-15T11:00:00+00:00

A church in Georgia has come up with a great new idea to get people to come to church: A gas card giveaway. Yes, worshipers are being lured in by the possibility of winning one of two $500 gas cards being given away by First Baptist Church of Snellville.

Church attendance is generally a good idea, but if someone has to offer a prize in order for you to show up, I think you've got problems. Are we really that pathetic of a generation? It used to be a foregone conclusion that you went to church in order to pray, worship, and be a part of a religious community. Now people are only going if they can win material goods?

The church's pastor defends the giveaway by saying that the gas card giveaway is not just about luring people into the church. He says that the church also wants to help people meet their physical needs, and help with purchasing gas is one of those needs.

There has been plenty of publicity due to this promotion, and the pastor says they even had to add an extra phone line to handle all the inquiries by potential church members. I guess I must be old school when it comes to church. If you have to create a gimmick, make the church service into an entertainment venue, or otherwise bribe people to show up, there is something wrong. Church is about faith and worship, not prizes and play.

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

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Don't spend my tax dollars to prove the Patriots are cheaters!

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-15T10:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Tax

The cheating was simple: New England Patriots staff members videotaped the signals of opposing teams. That's not allowed by the National Football League. The team got almost no punishment for their cheating. (A relatively light fine and the loss of a first-round draft pick.) End of story.

Unless you're a United States Senator. Then you must suggest that taxpayer money be spent investigating these football shenanigans. No, I'm not kidding. Senator Arlen Specter says he wants an investigation done because the NFL hasn't done enough about the cheating.

Is he serious? The cheating was bad. The lack of punishment was worse. But it's football, for pete's sake. Are any other teams really complaining? No. (Although I promise you if it was my beloved Green Bay Packers who cheated, we'd never hear the end of it... ever.)

But no one really cares anymore. So just leave it alone. There are plenty of other uses for our tax money. And the fact that there was a huge investigation into steroids in Major League Baseball does not mean that we should throw away more taxpayer money on an essentially meaningless "investigation" of professional football. Next issue of national importance, please.

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

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International foods that will make you laugh yourself silly

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-14T17:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Food

When it comes to humor, I have to admit that I'm not proud. While I love to spend hours setting up elaborate practical jokes, and will often compose brilliant double, triple, or even quadruple-entendres, I'm not above going for the low-hanging fruit. I will, if the opportunity arises, resort to fart jokes, idiotic puns, and even slapstick. Anything to get a laugh.

With that in mind, it's hardly surprising that I sometimes descend to the lowest of the low: cheap translation humor. For example, I have a Scottish cookbook, passed on to me by my mother, that has a recipe for "Roastit Bubblyjock wi' Cheston Crappin." While there's nothing funny about roasted turkey with chestnut stuffing, roastit bubblyjock had me laughing for months. Frankly, it still brings a smile to my face. The same goes for "Spotted Dick with Custard," which was a standard dessert at my office canteen when I worked in the UK. Am I immature for giggling like a schoolgirl whenever it was on the menu? Yes, I am. Did that stop me from offering to let co-workers take a bite of my spotted dick? No, it didn't.

Recently, one of my Walletpop colleagues gave me a link to a site that carried a list of foods with funny names. The really funny thing was that I had tried many of the products that I saw featured there. Mental mints? Check. Jamaican Cock soup? Been there, done that. "Smack My Ass" hot sauce? It's on my shelf.

What's even worse is that I've gotten so used to some of these foods that I don't see the humor anymore. Whenever somebody giggles about Jerk Chicken or Sok Banan, it takes me a moment to realize that they're not familiar with Jamaican cuisine or the Polish name for "banana juice." Still, as long as I can laugh at "Dry Sack on the rocks" or Cockburn's Ruby Red Port, I guess I'll be okay.

Without any further ado, I'm going to pass on a recipe for jerk chicken. While there are many ways to jerk a chicken, this recipe is definitely adapted for more mainstream American tastes. First off, although it's a really hot dish, it's a lot milder than traditional Jamaican jerk chicken, which is almost inedible. Second, I use skinless, boneless chicken, while traditional Jamaican cooks use whole breasts. They then chop them up, leaving the bones in little, splintered chunks that are an invitation to choking.

Enjoy!

Jamaican Jerk Chicken
1/2 cup white vinegar
1/2 cup orange juice
Juice of one lime
2 tablespoons light olive oil
2 tablespoons dark rum
1 tablespoon brown sugar
4 scallions, coarsely chopped
1-2 habañero peppers, de-seeded
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons black pepper
1 tablespoon allspice, ground
1 tablespoon cinnamon, ground
1 tablespoon nutmeg, ground
1 tablespoon ginger, ground
6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Combine all ingredients except chicken breasts in a blender or food processor and blend until almost smooth. Combine paste with breasts in a large ziplock bag or casserole dish, making sure that the chicken breasts are well-coated. Let marinate for a few hours or overnight.

To cook: Jerk chicken is, traditionally, cooked on a grill, but you can also broil it in an oven or (my preferred method) saute/steam it over medium heat in a non-stick pan. For the stove-top method, heat two teaspoons of light olive oil in a non-stick pan until the oil makes a crackling sound when you put food in it. Lightly sear the breasts until they are browned on both sides, then add about a quarter cup of water to the pan. Put a top over the chicken and check it every few minutes to make sure that it isn't burning or cooking dry; add water as needed. The breasts are done when you can pierce them with a fork and the juices run clear.

One big warning: habañeros are serious, serious peppers. If your tastes tend toward milder flavors, you might try switching them out for jalapeño or even poblano peppers. Also, from sad experience, I can tell you that touching them with unprotected hands is a recipe for disaster, especially if you wear contact lenses. Please, I beg you, wear gloves when handling them!

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. Sadly, he makes Beavis and Butthead look mature.

Preposterous Products: the talking vodka bottle

Geoff Williams — 2008-05-14T13:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Food, Home

Life used to be so simple. If you drank a lot and found the bottle talking back to you, you know you've had enough, and that it's time to stop. Conversely, if you were a bartender, and you saw one of your patrons having a conversation with the bottle, you knew it was time to call a cab and send the lush home.

That may change. Or at least in Russia, bickering with one's bottle of booze will no longer be considered odd.

As BBC News recently reported, in Russia, where drinking vodka is a national pastime, they've come up with the world's first ever talking vodka bottle top.

Every time you remove the cap off the bottle, which BBC News refers to as a vodka genie bottle top, a voice starts talking, offering a series of popular Russian toasts. The voice also encourages people to drink up.

And then proving that Russian scientists and vodka marketers have a sense of humor, every time you remove the top from the bottle, the vodka genie's speech becomes more and more slurred.

And I used to think the Hallmark talking cards were clever.

Geoff Williams is a business journalist and the author of C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America (Rodale).

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Internet connections go down the tubes

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-13T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Real Estate, Technology

Recently, Bournemouth became the first English city to get a new form of super-fast internet. While that's great news for the 88,000 homes and businesses that will get new 100 Mbps connections, the real news is how they're going to get it. H2O Networks Ltd, the company that's funding the project, will be bringing the internet cable through Bournemouth's sewer system.

While I appreciate the humorous potential that a sewer-borne internet system offers, the truth of the matter is that this is an amazingly brilliant idea. Having spent years dealing with incredibly slow dial-up connections, I finally sprung for a cable connection when it came to my neighborhood. In addition to the considerable monthly cost, I also had to pay to have the cable laid across my (landlord's) lawn. Now that I live in the big city, I don't have to shell out cash to have cable laid, but my area of the Bronx only has one internet service provider, which means that I'm stuck with paying the monopoly rate for my internet.

One of the major problems with internet access is the fact that companies often have to lay miles of cable to offer it. In the process, they have to dig up streets, put in conduits, and generally spend a small fortune before they can even offer their services to potential subscribers. Of course, once the subscribers are online, they get to compensate for the considerable capital investment that the providers laid out.

While not every city has an impressive sewer system like Bournemouth's, there are many areas where old sewers, aqueducts, and other conduits are laying empty, waiting to crumble. For example, New York's Croton aqueduct runs from the Public Library at 42nd Street all the way up to northern Westchester County. Rather than dig holes to lay cable, it seems like re-using the last century's infrastructure would be a cheap, green way to go. Besides, until alligators learn to eat cable, the city's sewers should be pretty safe!

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. If he could get a 100 Mbps connection...well, let's just say that Websudoku would have a new master.

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Pabst casket? A blue-ribbon idea!

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-13T14:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Food

Here's a way to have your casket and drink it too...

Aaah, PBR! Let Budweiser claim to be the king of beers; Pabst Blue Ribbon doesn't aspire to such lofty heights. Pabst is the beer of the working man, the hard-core drinker, the one that I'd pick up at the bar when I'd already gotten drunk and couldn't feel my nose. Pabst doesn't waste time on things like flavor or bouquet. No, it's a no-nonsense, get-you-drunk-and-happy beer.

In spite of its shortcomings, PBR has a surprisingly loyal fan base, including my grandfather, my friend John, and Bill Bramanti, a 67-year old Chicago Heights man who recently decided that he wanted his burial to have a little pomp and circumstance. While the Vikings went to Valhalla on flaming ships and the Pharaohs entered the afterlife surrounded by retainers, Bramanti wanted his death to say something about his life. With that in mind, he bought a casket from the Panozzo Brothers funeral home of Chicago Heights and had it customized by the Scott Sign Company, of the same city. Now, when it's Bill's time to enter the great big dive bar in the sky, he's going to do it in style, wrapped in a great big can of Pabst.

In the meantime, neither Bill nor his final vessel are wasting time. Rather than let his custom casket gather dust in the back room of some funeral home, Bramanti is using it. Shortly after getting it home, he filled it with ice and his favorite brew and threw a big party for his friends. As his daughter put it, "Why put such a great novelty piece up on a shelf in storage when you could use it only the way Bill Bramanti would use it?"

Maybe Bramanti is onto something. After all, there's a lot to be said for a casket that lets you live your life the way you want to. For a few thousand dollars, he's gotten a great casket, an awesome conversation piece, and the ultimate beer chest. I wonder if I can get one done up like a bottle of absinthe. For cremation, of course...

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. He's wondering if funeral homes will give discounts on Mickey's Wide mouth caskets.

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Don't bogart the skull, dude!

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-12T18:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Food, Health

The idea of using old skulls for the consumption of intoxicants is fairly common. In fact, it's become the basis of more than a few legends. One of my favorites involves Nostradamus, who supposedly predicted that anyone who drank wine from his skull would gain his powers of prediction, but would die soon after. As the tale goes, three French soldiers decided to test this legend in 1791, but the one who drank was shot almost immediately. History doesn't record whether or not he offered any predictions before giving up the ghost.

Another great story involves the head of Edward Teach, the famed "Blackbeard." After years of ruling the seas off the East Coast of North America, he was finally killed in 1718. Rather than bring Teach's corpse back to port, his killers cut off his head and threw his body overboard. After Robert Maynard, the commander of the force that killed Blackbeard, turned in his head for a reward, Governor Spottswood of Virginia hung the trophy from a pike in Bath, Virginia. There are conflicting stories about what happened to the skull; my favorite is that it was gilded with silver and turned into a drinking vessel.

It's not too hard to see why people would contemplate using a skull as a beer mug. Apart from the grisly coolness of the finished product, it's not all that hard to do. Basically, it only requires removing the top of the head, blocking a couple of holes, slapping on a handle, and developing a strong stomach.
On the other hand, constructing a bong from a skull is a pretty difficult undertaking, involving the aforementioned blocking as well as the introduction of various other difficult elements, including hole drilling, carburetor inserting, and so forth. Given a choice, I'd probably go with the femur as a more likely bong candidate, although the humerus would do in a pinch. Still, I guess the thighbone and the arm bone don't quite have the romance of the head bone.

Recently, three Houston teenagers decided to test the potential of bone-based bongs. Apparently, the boys found a disused graveyard, where they proceeded to disinter the body of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921, remove his skull, and use it to fashion a water pipe. They weren't caught in the act, nor was the scene of the crime discovered. Rather, one of them, Kevin Wade Jones, told the police about his arts and craft project while he was being questioned in connection with a completely unrelated crime. When he was asked why Jones would incriminate himself in this way, a Houston police officer stated that "We can only speculate and guess to what goes on in the criminal mind."

I'm sure that the officer's statement about the criminal mind is absolutely correct, but I'd argue that the stoner mind is a little easier to decipher. In all likelihood, Jones was probably vacillating between mild paranoia, a desperate craving for Cheetos, and a goofy desire to brag about his incredibly cool new bong.

This little adventure probably won't cost the boys all that much. The three culprits are being held on misdemeanor charges of abuse of a corpse. Still, maybe this will encourage the next gang of would-be bone recyclers to consider a plastic skull kit instead.

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. He wishes that India hadn't placed a ban on the exportation of bones; no wonder stoner kids are digging up graveyards!

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Take my beer, really: Beer prices rising on cost of hops

Gary E. Sattler — 2008-05-12T16:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Food, Shopping

The recent upward surge in commodities prices has left no corner of the globe untouched. That includes the bastions of the beer drinkers.

Changes in global climate, a decline in hops growers and a recent fire in a hops storage facility have worked in concert to reduce the world supply of that most important of beer brewing ingredients. According to a story published by Wired, these events have breweries both large and small adjusting their beer making processes and ingredients in an effort to curb rising brewing costs. The Wired story quotes brew master Donald Gortemiller as saying, "When hops were $2 a pound, compared to $20 or $30 a pound now, it didn't matter. We'd throw them into the boil at various times. That was an inaccurate way of doing things. We're modifying recipes and using about 20 percent less hops."

Walletpop blogger extraordinaire, Bruce Watson recently brought to light the mounting concern over hops deficiencies in the brewisphere. He wrote: "I imagine that the hot nights of a post-global warming future will be particularly unbearable without the benefit of a nice cold one." Bruce has vowed to do everything he can to "Save the Ales." For my part, I have chosen an alternate strategy to Bruce's proactive beer saving efforts. I have surrendered my boarding pass to what was for me; "The one way aluminum train to Stupidville."

Believe me when I say that my self imposed abstinence from beer will leave plenty of the cold foamy beverages for the rest of you to share and enjoy. Let's just hope that the remaining hops growers are the people who are benefiting from these unfortunate beer ingredient price increases.

How much is your mom worth?

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-11T12:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars

Salary.com has a cute little tool that lets you find out how much your mom's services at home are worth. You enter in the number of children and their age ranges, and you identify whether or not she's has a job outside the home. I did a calculation for a stay-at-home mom with one small child and one school-age child.

Her value? In the range of $64,374 and $174,061 per year. You can even take it a step further by entering your zip code and getting a local estimate. And the highlight of the whole exercise? Printing a fake check to give to your mom to let her know that you appreciate everything she does.

For the most part, this is just a fun post to honor mom's holiday. But I can add one practical tip for readers. When buying life insurance, don't forget the value of the stay-at-home mom. Many families make the mistake of only buying a substantial policy on the dad, if he's the "breadwinner" for the family. They forget that if something happens to mom, a considerable amount of money could be spent on child care and household help. Make sure mom is covered with life insurance too!

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

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The business of mommy blogging

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-10T15:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Entrepreneurship, Extracurriculars

While many people blog just for fun, for others, this is serious business. There are blogs that are easily recognized as business ventures (like this one). And there are many that maybe aren't so quickly dubbed to be commercial enterprises.

"Mommy blogging" is one of the fastest-growing an most popular sections of the blogosphere. What is it? It's exactly what it sounds like: Mommies blogging about their lives. Many of them are doing it because they want to engage with others about the life of a mother and wife.

And others are doing it as a business venture. Advertisers have zeroed in on the mommy blogging culture and are spending big bucks to get exposure to the audiences of these blogs. They say that "word of mom" is one of the best marketing tools a company can have. And blogging can be very lucrative for the chosen few, who can rake in six figures if their audiences are big enough. Dooce is one example of a mommy-blogger gone nova.

Here's more about the business of mommy blogging from earlier this week on The Today Show.

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

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Mother's Day idea: What she might really want is...to get away from you

Beth Wechsler — 2008-05-10T14:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Simplification

"It is possible to go away for a weekend and have a life changing experience," author Joan Anderson has said. "Retreat is a form of pause -- it is a time apart in solitude, a precious space in which we can see our world in a different light."

Anderson knows. Overriding both her own fears and the criticism that her venture triggered, she spent a year by herself on Cape Cod. She returned and wrote, "A Year By the Sea -- Thoughts of an Unfinished Woman." The memoir spent 30 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list. While most women can't go away for a year, a day or weekend is another matter.

You might want to consider Anderson's book for a Mother's Day gift -- along with some add-ons.

If in recent months, your mother has experienced loss, a major life change or move, she may be long overdue for time when she can hear her own voice. Retreat is all about the "re" words: reflect, repair, refresh, regenerate, renew, reconnect. One can retreat for a day, a weekend, a week or longer, can retreat alone or with others, with a format and focus, or none at all. A woman can retreat with Joan Anderson at a 5-Star resort or on a very small budget. She can also retreat, though it poses special challenges, if family is away and she remains at home.

Consider offering your mom a gift basket for the day of her choice. It might include a picnic lunch, a journal or meditation tape, an appointment -- perhaps for a massage, reiki, or reflexology, maybe something she's never tried. Depending on your budget, you can assemble something as simple and lovely as a yoga class, a bottle of bubble bath and a gift-card that includes your personal services for that day.

Environmentally friendly and clutter free. Lots of moms would love a retreat.

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Win some spending money at Comic Wonder

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-10T12:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars

I've written about this cool, cool site before.... Comic Wonder is the stand-up comedian wanna-be's dream. You tell a joke (yes, you have to tell it, can't type it up) and people can listen and rate your joke.

But even better than just having someone actually listen to your joke this time around, is the fact that you can win some cool stuff. Each week Comic Wonder gives away $50 plus cool prizes like a dog sweater or a can of Spam. And who can't use an extra $50? It might even help you partly fill your gas tank this week!

The fun behind the site is the competitive aspect of joke telling. It's no fun if you just type up a joke. And it's no fun telling your joke unless you're competing with others to tell the funniest joke. There is also a contest for the entire year. The 2008 Comic Wonder is going to win an even bigger pot of money and even cooler prizes! They haven't said exactly what the cash prize will be, but last year's winner took home $2,500. (Just for telling a joke? Yes!)

Go check it out and tell your joke! And you should also check out the joke from the 2007 Comic Wonder. Yes, I laughed out loud (really loud!) when I heard it.

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

Buying your wife a Mother's Day gift: How to avoid disaster

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-09T17:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Shopping, Relationships

A few years back, I decided that Mother's day was no longer a concern for me. My mother died a long time ago, I wasn't married, and I had no plans to become a baby daddy. Moreover, as I was staring down the barrel at 30, it didn't look like my situation was going to change anytime soon. I decided that Mother's day, like Washington's Birthday and the Feast of the Epiphany, was among the many holidays that I could more or less wipe off the calendar.

Needless to say, things have changed.

I now find myself the father of a two-year-old. Quite apart from the other little stresses associated with having a daughter in my life, I'm reliving the joy of buying Mother's day presents. When I was a kid, Mother's day was easy -- I'd pick up some bath salts, a kitchen tool, or some other innocuous item that my father told me to buy. I'd wrap it, pass it on to Mom and revel in her thanks. I'd get to feel like a big guy, my mom would get a little appreciation, and we'd both ignore the fact that the little present was hardly payback for the endless things that she did over the course of the year.

Now, however, I find myself in the tough position of trying to pick out the perfect gift for my wife, a task for which I'm amazingly unprepared. You see, as good as he was about Mother's day, my father never really taught me how to handle this problem. Every year, he'd give my mother a gift, but the exchange happened behind closed doors and I was never allowed to see the present in question. I always imagined that it was something boring, like socks and, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, I'm going to cling desperately to that belief.

On the one hand, my wife is really pretty cool about helping me pick out her gifts. This year, for instance, she's been hinting very broadly that she wants me to buy her a bottle of Cannabis Rose perfume, which, she's pointed out, is available at Sephora in a very nice gift set for under $50. As she imparted this information when we were talking about going out to see Iron Man, I assumed that she was trying to be subtle. When she pointed it out again while we were shopping for toilet paper, I decided that it was important, and that I'd better commit it to memory.

While I definitely see some perfume in my wife's future, I also like to pick out my own gifts. For me, the key to buying Mother's day gifts for my wife has been to listen closely when she lets things drop (if you employ this trick, your wife won't have to write "Cannabis Rose at Sephora for $45" on the blackboard). In fact, sometimes I even manage to surprise my wife with a gift that she really wanted but hadn't mentioned, leading to the magical phrase "How did you know?" I really love hearing those words.

Another key element that I've discovered is that a husband's Mother's day gifts probably shouldn't have anything to do with motherhood. Cooking paraphernalia, cleaning tools, aprons, housecoats, curlers, and the like may be handy, but they can also convey the message that the blushing gal who used to get your hormones a-raging, has now turned into Mom. While some women might revel in that transformation, my wife isn't one of them. Her first Mother's day gift, in fact, was a full-sized Mace Windu lightsaber.

Seriously, she loved it. My wife is kind of a sci-fi geek.

Mother's day doesn't have to be an opportunity to remind your wife that she's getting older and turning into a matron. In fact, with a little imagination, it can be a celebration of your relationship, the women that she was, and the woman that she still is. Find something that reminds you of your early dates. Schedule an activity that you can do together. Buy her a CD that will bring back memories. For God's sake, man, pick up some red roses, not white lilies!

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. He wants to buy his wife a shrunken head, but he hasn't found anyone who's willing to sell. In the meantime, he's probably going to pick up some Cannabis Rose. It's only $45 at Sephora.

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Not your father's Oldsmobile: Gay collectors fawn over fabulous, gas-guzzling, 70s classics

Julie Tilsner — 2008-05-09T17:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Transportation, Travel

I'm not surprised.

Those long, lean, pimpin' machines of yore, those boats of the '70s have been derided long enough by those of us who remember when Disco played on the AM stations. Left unloved too long, their original owners long passed away, these gas-guzzling relics have finally found a new, and adoring audience:

Gay car collectors.

In this piece in the Los Angeles Times, a writer by the unlikely name of Cocoa Efficient relates to us why gay collectors have flocked to the luxury land-cruisers popular in the 70s: They're fabulous. As spacious as an SUV, and even less fuel-efficient (hard to imagine, but true), these cars made use of colors and fabrics in a way that today's car designers could not imagine. Blue velour seats? Audacious.

Just feast your eyes on the photo above of a 1976 Chrysler New Yorker Brougham. Built for comfort and power with not a thought toward fuel conservation. Our modern-day equivalents, say Hummers or an Escalade, can't compare in the truly pimpin' style department. I'd cruise this baby to Vegas any day.

With our '70s-style inflation, it's no wonder these long-ignored cars have suddenly been noticed again. Call it fantasy fulfillment. You wouldn't commute in these cars, but could you resist a road-trip across the country? Just get six or seven friends (and they would easily fit), pool your money for the gasoline, buy appropriate road snacks and pop the Staying Alive soundtrack into the eight-track tape player. I guarantee you'd make a scene at every stop.

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Separate tax returns of McCain's wife shouldn't be released

Tracy Coenen — 2008-05-09T14:40:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars

The latest newsworthy item in the U.S. presidential race is the statement by Cindy McCain, wife of Republican candidate John McCain, that she will not release her personal tax returns. On Thursday's Today show (video below), she says that it's a privacy issue and she would not release her tax returns, even if her husband was elected president.

Of course, the Democrats are making a big deal about this, saying that when John Kerry was campaigning for president, his wife released her separate tax returns. So what? She made her choice, and Cindy McCain is making hers. It's suggested that John McCain is not making "full disclosure" by not releasing his wife's separate tax returns.

I say too bad. Even though he may have benefited from her family's fortune, the law doesn't say she has to release her tax returns. That is her private information and she is not the candidate. Would it make for some interesting reading? Probably. But I don't have any problem with Cindy McCain refusing to produce her tax returns. What is there really to be gained from seeing them, other than to fulfill our curiosity?

Tracy L. Coenen, CPA, MBA, CFE performs fraud examinations and financial investigations for her company Sequence Inc. Forensic Accounting, and is the author of Essentials of Corporate Fraud.

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Take a vacation, on the government

Anne Gelhaus — 2008-05-08T19:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Travel, Recession

Wanna get away? With all apologies to Southwest Airlines, it's not looking like the travel industry is going to get a boost from Bush's economic stimulus package: Only one in five of approximately 1,000 respondents to a recent USA Today/Gallup Poll said they were likely to use part or all of their rebates for vacation or travel, and 64% said they were not at all likely to do so.

That's not stopping hotels across the country from trying to tempt Americans to stimulate the economy by indulging their wanderlust. Until May 13, travelers who book a vacation package to cities like New Orleans, New York, Vegas and Nashville through Expedia's Explore America can save up to 30% on hotel stays. But you've gotta go between May 23 and Sept. 5.

If you're looking for lodgings by the beach, a slew of Virginia Beach hotels are offering their own economic stimulus packages. Among these are a "Romantic Weekend Getaway" at the Cavalier Hotel, where for $159-$319 per night through June 19, couples can get a room and indulge in complimentary champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, then take a free one-hour bike ride to work it all off.

If your vacation is more of a family affair, get thee to the Clarion Resort Beach Quarters Resort for its "Virginia Beach Break-Away Package": two nights' stay, tickets to the Virginia Aquarium and Marine Science Center, tickets to the Virginia Zoo and dinner at Pi-zzeria for $399 through June.

If you are among the lucky few who can take advantage of these deals, I enviously wish you bon voyage. I'll be thinking of you as I'm using my rebate to pay for past credit indiscretions and thumbing hungrily through old vacation photos from my boom years.

Crime doesn't pay: dumb crook stories

Geoff Williams — 2008-05-08T17:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars

Crime really doesn't pay.

If you ever need reminding of that beloved chestnut, it can be good to go to a place like DumbCrooks.com or to grab a book like World's Dumbest Crooks by Allan Zullo. Or do what I do, and occasionally look for stories on the web of true tales of dumb crooks.

Here are just a sampling of some stories that have happened in the last month.

Carjacker stops to ask for directions to the bank. That was the headline of an Associated Press story in April. In Cleveland, the 19-year-old carjacker took a father and two kids hostage in their SUV and then the youthful gunman began driving around the city, looking for a U.S. Bank, apparently to drain his victim's bank.But the carjacker couldn't find a U.S. Bank, so he pulled over, parked the car, presumably took the keys and told the father to not make a move for it, and he departed, asking two people for directions. The two people were newswoman Shannon O'Brien and photographer Eric Walls, who coincidentally had just finished doing a live report on bank problems.

Ms. O'Brien spotted the father in the car making odd gestures, enough where she was able to sense what was probably happening. The news crew called the authorities and followed the car until the authorities were able to come in and save the day.

In South Carolina, a thief tried to cash a stolen lottery ticket. It may not sound dumb that he didn't know that the computer would alert the convenience store clerk that the ticket had been stolen. But he was clearly absorbed in his task of getting his money and had lousy timing. At the moment he decided to cash in his ticket, a police car pulled up to the store. He didn't notice that a police officer just happened to walk in. The clerk was able to gesture that something was amiss, and so he stood in line, directly behind the thief. Then another polcie officer came in and stood in line. And then a third.

And that's when the clerk informed the thief that the lottery ticket was stolen. The thief tried to leave, but the police, of course, detained him and found 400 stolen tickets on the guy. And the money he would have won, had he successfully cashed his ticket? $15.

A man attempted to cash a rather significant check. This is probably my favorite of the three. In Forth Worth, about a week ago, a man tried to cash a check at a bank. He had stolen the check from his mother-in-law and then wrote in the amount. The teller immediately realized something was up, and contacted the police, who found the 21-year-old bank customer with a gun in his possession and some marijuana. Oh, the amount of the check? $360 billion dollars.

Geoff Williams is a business journalist and the author of C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America (Rodale).

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Make $17K for spending 90 days in bed: No sex required

Geoff Williams — 2008-05-08T15:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Wealth

There are days when I'd just like to lie in bed. All day.

If you've thought the same thing, then, boy, have I got a deal for you. Wired reports that NASA is offering a study that will pay people $17,000 to stay in bed for 90 straight days.

Of course, there's a catch or two.

You have to be willing to travel to the Johnson Space Center. The bed-rest experiment will take place in the Human Test Subject Facility, where scientists will study some of the effects of microgravity on the human body.

According to NASA's web site, "participants will spend 90 days lying in bed, (except for limited times for specific tests) with their body slightly titled downward (head down, feet up). Every day, they will be awake for 16 hours and lights out (asleep) for 8 hours."

They never say whether you have to lie on your back or face down, but the photo on the Bed Rest Study web page shows a woman on her stomach. Thank God. I don't think I could stand lying on my back with my head slightly down. What if you got a stuffy nose during all of this?

And actually, you're going to be at NASA for around 115-120 days. The first two weeks, you get to walk around in your bedroom facility and, according to their web page, you "will be free to move around inside the bed rest facility and do normal things." And not so normal activities, like taking part in tests to find out the normal state of your bones, muscles, heart and circulatory system, brain and nervous system and vestibular (inner ear balance) system, as well as your nutritional condition and ability to fight off infections.

Then it's bedtime for 90 days straight, all day and all night, with a few exceptions -- you'll take part in tests to find out what changes are happening with your bones, muscles, heart and so on.

For the last two weeks, during the "recovery period," you can move about again and do "normal everyday activity," albeit slowly, predicts NASA, "because of de-conditioning that takes place during bed rest."

To participate, you have to be a nonsmoker, in good health with no history of cardiovascular, neurological, gastrointestinal or musculoskeletal problems.

I'm a little concerned. The web page photo doesn't have a picture of a giant wide screen TV, which I'd like to think participants would get to watch. They just show a woman lying there, smiling, reading a magazine. Well, I suppose if they have a really big pile of magazines... But I don't think it's for me. Sometimes it's nice to be lazy, but in this case, being lazy never seemed like so much work.

Geoff Williams is a business journalist and the author of C.C. Pyle's Amazing Foot Race: The True Story of the 1928 Coast-to-Coast Run Across America (Rodale).

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Cheap digs: The United Nations follows Wal-Mart's architectural lead

Bruce Watson — 2008-05-08T14:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Real Estate, Travel

Last weekend, my wife and I went to Roosevelt Island, which we had never visited before. While checking out the ruins of a former smallpox hospital and the gorgeous cherry blossoms that line the shore, we also happened to look over at the U.N. headquarters. We were horrified to discover just how dingy and nasty the structures were. While the U.N. has always been a little strange looking, it was starting to get downright grubby. The beautiful blue Secretariat tower looked grayish, and the General Assembly building, which was once gleaming white, now resembled a scuffed sneaker.

Apparently, the interior is also showing its age. Constructed in the early 1950's, the buildings have exposed asbestos insulation, dripping pipes, leaks, and lead paint. Although the U.N. is on international territory, and is thus not required to comply with New York City safety codes, it racked up an amazing 866 violations during a courtesy inspection last year. After years of spirited debate, the headquarters has finally been scheduled to undergo a massive, $1.9 billion renovation, which is expected to take five years.

Rather than find short-term housing elsewhere, the United Nations has decided to construct a gargantuan pre-fab building on the North Lawn of the complex. Ultimately, the U.N. hopes to return the North Lawn to its current, empty, state, so the new home has been designed to be "intentionally ugly," in the same style as "a Costco or a Wal-Mart." The cost of dismantling the eyesore has been factored into the overall project budget. Hopefully, this will ensure that the temporary building will be just that: temporary.

Bruce Watson is a freelance writer, blogger, and all-around cheapskate. Having spent much of his childhood in "temporary" classrooms constructed from trailers, he hails the U.N.'s decision.

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What do you see in those clouds? A giraffe? Or a Nike ad?

Julie Tilsner — 2008-05-07T16:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Extracurriculars, Shopping

Is nothing sacred?

Madison Ave. apparently doesn't think so.

A special-effects entrepreneur has come up with a way to fill the sky with lush clouds as large as 4 feet across shaped like corporate logos, according to Wired. He calls them Flogos. Great. How clever.

Francisco Guerra, who's also a former magician, has developed a machine that produces tiny bubbles filled with air and some helium, forms the foam into shapes and pumps them into the sky.

You'd think a magician would know better. Aren't they supposed to hold the imagination sacred?

Naturally that biggest corporate dream maker - The Walt Disney Co. will use one of the machines next month to send clouds shaped like Mickey Mouse heads into the air at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Fla., Guerra told Wired.

After that, no doubt, the floodgates will be open. No more laying on a grassy knoll picking out whales and cars and palm tree-shaped clouds with your kids or partner. It'll be "Hey! It's Coke!" or, "Look Mommy, Apple Computers!"

May the winds of change blow fiercely.

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