The wait is over. Finally there's a new sneaker on the market for women that makes your butt look so great, no one will ever look at your face again.

Not only that, these sneakers have the power to make your boobs talk to each other!

Reebok's Easytone sneakers are supposed to firm and tone your butt to such an extent that the actress in one of their ads actually has to halt her pitch several times to chide the cameraman for lingering on her posterior. "Dude!" she says, and the camera, momentarily startled, goes back to business. It follows her like a puppydog and then, once again, the actress has to remind it to focus a few feet north.



These sneakers apparently build your body 12 different ways, just like Wonderbread. Reebok claims these sneakers provide 28 percent more gluteus maximus muscle activation, and 11% more calf and hamstring activation.

Personally, I'm 100 percent ready to buy them, except for a couple of things that are nagging me. First of all, there's another ad in the series that features a woman's chest, clad in a demi-bra that just might be one size too small. There are voices. The voices are talking to each other. It takes a moment to realize that ... the woman's boobs are having a private conversation. They're discussing how much they hate the butt that also happens to be attached to their host's body. The butt gets the attention, they argue, and it's not all good.

Eventually, the battling boobs agree that Reebok's EasyTone sneakers will solve the problem, because they are "proven to tone your butt more than regular sneakers." Why this should calm them isn't clear, but it could be an example of boob-logic that we aren't meant to comprehend.

I don't know about you, but when I have trouble sleeping at night, I tell my boobs to hush up. Naturally, I am thankful there is a brand of sneaker that will settle those late-night arguments.

My second problem with the EasyTone sneakers is the math. On Reebok's EasyTone microsite, where you can access all these ads, as well as some press coverage, there are statistics printed along the curve of a naked woman's smooth legs, butt and hips -- almost as if the statistics are, you know, spooning with her. It says: "78% of men are speechless. 81% of women jealous." I don't think the men are speechless or the women jealous over the shoes themselves, which are shinier than pictured and rather unappealing looking overall. Instead, they are speechless and jealous over the woman's gorgeous naked body. It's hard not to be speechless and/or jealous of a women who can get that kind of body by lying down and relaxing, instead of going out in sneakers and working up a sweat.

Here's where the math gets ugly. In the ad "Dialogue," the boobs claim that 88 percent of men are speechless and 76 percent of women are jealous. That seems to conflict with the print ad's respective 78 percent and 81 percent. Who's right, the stats that are spooning with the hips? Or the boobs that can talk? Because if Reebok can't agree on speechlessness and jealousy, then how do we know they're right when they say that their sneakers provide "28 percent" more workout for the butt, and "11 percent more" for the hamstrings and calves?

Just because Adidas announced yesterday that the operating profit of its Reebok unit fell 34 percent in the third quarter of 2009 does not mean it is giving up. I'm 82 percent sure that the science behind the EasyTones could revolutionize the butts and thighs of women across America. Still, I thought I should look further into all this science before spending the $100 bucks or so that EasyTones cost.

Reebok's site explains that "DMX technology" and "balance pods" are the key. "Air travels between the forefoot and heel pod, creating super soft cushioning. The moving air creates a natural instability and forces your muscles to adapt to the air volume within the pods."

Okay, here's what I think they're saying: The reason these sneakers give you a better workout is because they throw you off-balance and make it more difficult to walk in them.

Um, okay. I see what they mean. They claim the sneakers are comfortable-and many bloggers on the Web who tested the shoes agree-but they're harder to walk in so you expend more energy and get tired faster. On the other hand: "In wear tests, the EasyTone's comfort promoted longer duration of activity (like shopping), which puts you on your way to a firmer butt and tighter hamstrings and calves," meaning that they're so comfortable, you could shop all day. And shopping, as you know, burns calories (as well as a hole in your wallet).

But wait, I'm still confused. How about if you wear ordinary, cheaper sneakers and just walk around in them more? Won't that have the same effect? Or will that not give you the kind of butt that is so incredibly sleek and adorable that

Personally, I'm 50 percent torn between saving my money and exercising more, or buying these sneakers and having cameras focusing on my soon-to-be smooth, sleek butt.

Wait-my boobs are trying to tell me something. What is it, dears? Oh, right. They want to remind me of another claim on the Reebok site: "Due to the instability of the balance pods, activities with unplanned side-to-side movement and/or any lateral-movement-sports such as tennis or basketball-should be avoided."

But wouldn't I burn more calories if I played sports such as tennis or basketball than if I went shopping in my EasyTones? Now I'm 99 percent not sure if I should spring for sneakers that insist I avoid "unplanned side-to-side movement." This might explain why the model in the print ad is lying down and off her feet, poor thing. It could be dangerous out there in sneakers that make you ultra-sexy, but won't let you roll with the punches.