You've probably never ever touched cocaine, right? Wrong.

Although the National Survey on Drug Use and Health reports that only about 12% of U.S. citizens have ever tried the drug, virtually 100% of those of us old enough to handle paper money have touched the stuff. A new study found that up to 90% of the paper money in the U.S. contains minute amounts of cocaine.

The study, funded in part by the University of Massachusetts-Dartmouth, found that bills circulating in the nation's capital, Washington D.C., contained the dope 95% of the time.

Apparently, there a cocaine-free twenty is even rarer than a pork-free spending bill.

The lowest levels were found in Salt Lake City, Utah. Overall, the percent of U.S. paper money showing traces of cocaine has risen by almost 20% in just the last two years.

The scientists tested currency from four other countries as well. Our Canadian neighbors are about as likely to contaminate their currency, while in China and Japan less than one in five bills are toot-infused.

The authors of the study conjecture (and we hope this is true) that much of the blame can be put on currency-counting machines, which can spread coke as fast as grade-schoolers pass along the flu.

One of the study's authors was quoted by Science Daily as saying "You can't get high by sniffing a regular banknote.." so you users can put your wallet away.

Me, I'd rather avoid coke and the swine flu, so I might just start carrying more Sacagaweas and fewer Washingtons.