The Human I.P.O.: How to be rich

I will show you a way to double the value of your money. I learned this from watching the most famed "moneymaker"
of our time, the arrogant and brackish "Magician of Money" ("MOM"), Mr. Donald Trump. When you look at Trump, you can hardly see him because of his gaudy power. He exudes the radiance of thin-plated gold regardless of the balance of his bank account.

Lesson Number One: You are your own boss! You are your own product! In my case, this is literally true, as I make money by selling shares of myself through my personal IPO project. This way, I can multiply my own value: first I accomplish tasks in my life, then I import that value into the online marketplace. My shareholders are a community dedicated to my profitability.*

Lesson Number Two: Don't worry about spending money to make money. Everything you do with your money projects your commitment to your future income, so don't skimp on things like embossed, spot-colored, watermarked, foil-stamped business cards, promotional DVDs, and fine Lacoste briefs. Think: Why do you want money? So you can have very nice things. I say, cut out the middle man, and just buy nice things! Sure, you might buy fewer things than you might want, but these quality items will outlast you, and your heirs will truly know you were a successful person when you bequeath these items to them upon your death.

Lesson Number Three: Use the system to your advantage. A friend told me that the easiest, most lucrative way she ever made money was to have her bong (wrongly) confiscated, and subsequently "lost," by the Brown University security department. Since, according to the bong owner, the bong was actually an antique Tunisian narghile originating from the estate of the deceased actor Van Heflin ("Shane"), Brown University wrote her a check in the amount of the lost item's estimated value: $500. Done.

Lesson Number Four: Every time you make a financial transaction you not only benefit from the value of what you bought, but you squeeze more value out of that transaction by blogging about it! For example, every time I drink a beer, I write about my experience in a running project called 1000 Beers. It's not just blogging. Everything you do can be a part of a larger money-making project.

Lesson Number Five: Transform your concept of self-worth. It is better to lose money than to make it. Take risks! I lost $80.00 funding an egg farm in Rwanda. A man afraid of losing money is no better than a monkey. You can lose plenty of money while still feeling rich, just as a poor man does not need much to feel wealthy. Making money is not about being rich, it's feeling rich that is the ultimate goal. For example, I am the owner of an indoor soccer team. Though I didn't invest a penny in supplying uniforms or equipment, through my enthusiasm and bold claim of ownership, I have gained immeasurable personal enjoyment and a marquee portfolio element.

In review, do what is within reach, buy quality, work the system, make everything a project, and keep your financial goals modest and your life goals giant. These "Challenging Economic Times" are the best thing that ever happened to you. Times should always be challenging. If life is too easy then you aren't doing it right.

*At this point you probably want to know if you can go public too. Well, I should warn you that it's harder than it looks. As neither NASDAQ or NYSE would ever allow me to be listed, I had to create my own market. And then, with no Solomon Brothers or Goldman Sachs, I didn't have the ability to sell all my shares at once. So I have an annual release of shares as opposed to one big IPO. Of course, these are not funds I am supposed to be spending on imported caviar and fine man-jewelry; I am now beholden to the shareholders, and how these funds are used is ultimately up to them.